M-onday I-s S-cary

today, life has shown me the preview to hell. i don't know if there is any truth to luck, but if ever there is, this surely was a bad luck day for me! one proof is a reprimand from my c.i., another proof from a surgeon while I was circulating for a nephrectomy, and the last blow from a misinformed friend of my mom regarding a package they have sent through her.

details regarding these experiences are hard to comprehend, but the explanation as to why these things are happening to me are much more bizaare. what is clear, however, is that all events are due to mistaken identity / misinformation / miscommunication which resulted in mishap and misery. gawd!!! misis na po ako, di na mis- !!!

now all i wanna do is close my eyes and wander off to believing that this day never existed, to be replaced by my pre-structured dreams of bliss and pure good luck.

paksyet!!! life and it's misteries talaga, o! makabili nga ng bagwa (mala feng sui, hihihi!)...


zzzzzzz....

ps: i now know how to use my new pda. next comes abuse!

gifts for turning 23

I have just recieved my brand new sony clie pda that came together with a burberry perfume, a gold watch, and my son's gameboy advance. these were my delayed birthday gifts from my hunny. funny thing is that i don't even know how to configure this damn pda thing! as of now, my sister is the one who is enjoying the gadget. skye suddenly became the behaved boy i want him to be. it's because he is glued playing crash bandicoot. 

ok, time to get back to reading the manual of my new toy...

what happens when i do nothing

it's been a while...

i will be completing my cases next week at the RMC OR which means no duty for this week (yaay!), and i will be back at my most favorite area at the hospital, the operating room (double yaay!).

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yesterday, i accompanied hannah to the physical therapist. unfortunately, the therapist wasn't there so we spent the entire day checking out hannah's prospective colleges. this took us from dasma, cavite, to makati. our last stop was at glorietta to refuel. just hope that this won't be one of the places my sister would want to spend her college days in!

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i miss mick so much it gnaws me like hell everytime i'm reminded that it would still take a while before he gets home. i never realized phone calls can be so much treasured. sniff! sniff!

**********

life is sooo complicated. i've been contemplating on my useless life not so long ago since i have the whole day to spend about. it was then that i thought that i still wasn't happy, instead, i feel crappy.

this year, almost everything i wished for were given to me ( a high paying job for mick, academic milestones, a healthy skye, a smaller waistline, yada, yada, yada). i told the powers that be that if given these, i would be really happy.

the feeling did not last long. it was like fed into my mouth and spurted out of my anus faster than diarrhea.

and now it's dehydrating me.

deep in thought, i realized that i was unhappy because i am a discontented sucker for everything nice. i'm a leech for infinite and absolute perfection. and though perfection is a good aspect, that still does not erase the fact that i'm still a leech.

maybe i should stop looking and start seeing that happiness was already here, just unnoticed.
maybe i was really happy, maybe i am not, but now i choose to act happy cause maybe i am.

if all the world is a stage, why did i get to play a part of a psycho?

ha! ha! ha! i'm beginning to get crazy... can you tell?

I WANT TO TELL YOU LIES

I want to tell that little boy his Mom will be just fine

I want to tell that dad we got his daughter out in time

I want to tell that wife her husband will be home tonight

I don't want to tell it like it is.....

I want to tell them lies.

You didn't put their seat belts on, you feel you killed your kids

I want to say you didn't ... but in a way, you did.

You pound your fists into my chest, you're hurting so inside

I want to say you'll be ok......

I want to tell you lies.

You left chemicals within his reach and now it's in his eyes

I want to say your son will see, not tell you he'll be blind

You ask me if he'll be OK, with pleading in your eyes

I want to say that yes he will.....

I want to tell you lies.

I can see you're crying as your life goes up in smoke

If you'd maintained that smoke alarm, your children may have woke

Don't grab my arm and ask me if your family is alive

Don't make me tell you they're all dead........

I want to tell you lies.

I want to say she'll be okay, you didn't take her life

I hear you say you love her and you'd never hurt your wife

You thought you didn't drink too much, you thought that you could drive

I don't want to say how wrong you were.....

I want to tell you lies.

You only left her for a moment, it happens all the time

How could she have fallen when you thought she couldn't climb

I want to say her neck's not broke, that she will be just fine

I don't want to say she's paralyzed........

I want to tell you lies.

I want to tell this teen his buddies didn't die in vain

Because he thought it would be cool to try and beat that train

I don't want to tell him this will haunt him all his life

I want to say that he'll forget........

I want to tell him lies.

You left the cabinet open and your daughter found the gun

Now you want me to undo the damage that's been done

You tell me she's your only child, you say she's only five

I don't want to say she won't see six.........

I want to tell you lies.

He fell into the pool when you went to grab the phone

It was only for a second that you left him there alone

If you'd let the phone just ring perhaps your boy would be alive

But I don't want to tell you that.........

I want to tell you lies.

The fact that you were speeding caused that car to overturn

And we couldn't get them out of there before the whole thing burned

Did they suffer? Yes, they suffered, they were slowly burned alive

But I don't want to say those words........

I want to tell you lies.

But I have to tell it like it is, until my shift is through

And then the real lies begin, when I come home to you

You ask me how my day was, and I say it was fine

I hope you understand, sometimes.........

I have to tell you lies.

(C)1998 Copyrighted to the author, Kalvere Lyan. Please do not reproduce or distribute without author's written permission. Kal is from Minnesota and welcomes comments at KalTheRebel@aol.com

Blank... blank...

I'm experiencing writer's block (e.g. lack of thought, or my mind is just crowded with useless meanderings), so I thought I'd try out this feature from my chatbox called post generator. Useful for those who hve nothing to say, or for the safety of those who have so much to say it endangers them (yep, that would be me...)

I guess that's the reason why I have to hide my thoughts through a generated blog post. I wanna say so much against those people who tend to put other people down just because one can do something that they could never, ever do. They get so really offensive that they tend to forget we've been taking vital signs long before they decided to join the bandwagon. I don't care whether you are a disgruntled professional searching for greener pastures, for all of us are but the same in the sense that we all chose to be students-- again. I don't want to bring up my UPLB influenced activist nature once again, but DAMN! grrrr.....

Anyway, back to the simulated blog entry:

Couple of days ago, my friend and I were thinking about memory on the African subcontinent. We were quite shocked by the topic, so we asked my friend (add friend's name here) about it, and she was like:

"No kidding?!.. Get out! If I hear another thing about the African subcontinent I'm going to shoot somebody!"

But then when my friend and I got to the part about the memory, (add friend's name here) suddenly got this dangerous look in her eyes. But then this morning, (add friend's name here)'s father told me that the reason (add friend's name here) was so freaked out was because she was watching about memory on TV. On weekends (add friend's name here) can be really unpredicatble like that, but she should know better...

o, ako na: what a pile of BS! makes no sense to me, cause my friends and I never talk of such topics with intellectual nature. Our chitchats are comprised mainly of sex, movies, anatomy and pathophysiology, chismis, and other earthly stuff. Rarely, we do get philosophical, but definitely not these days.

well, what do you know, I do get to post anyway...

10 cm na!!!

Sleep has been an elusive luxury for me these past few weeks. I surely can't sleep straight in daylight, so I've been a walking zombie ever since we took the graveyard shift at the hospital. It's fun, except for the fact that we still have to attend our classes the next day. At Thursdays, we go straight to school still fresh from RMC's delivery room. This means lack of sleep, lack of a bath/shower, lack of energy, and lack of sanity.

Last night was toxic, having these mothers giving birth one after another. It's like they were having a contest of whose baby gets out first. The little critters were lined up before being sent for rooming-in. They were crying their now functional lungs out -- a few more deliveries and we were ready to cry with them. It was total mayhem! I was so tired, but seeing those little hands and feet which reminded me of the first time I saw my son was worth the catastrophe the delivery room has to offer.

Mick already called, and I can't help but cry knowing that he is okay after that hurricane in Florida (where they are cruising right now). Mick laughed and relished the moment of me going ga-ga over his safety. Mahal ko daw pala talaga siya! Haaay, men! They feast on our emotional nature!

Gotta go. Need to sleep.

almost stale pics

I finally had the sense to have all those films lying around our house developed. Since I am worn out and a bit stressed, I figured that I'd just be posting some pics I loved from those 4 almost forgotten rolls of film...



my little man





skye with my nieces, nephews, and some cousins




clowning around inside the operating room

there are lots more, but I'm soooooo tired from building my sister's blog. ooooppppsss... battery low... must have... strength....... to......finish this..........possssst......TOOOOOOT!!!!!

Happy birthday to me!!!

Today is my birthday. So, what do you expect? Balloons and a cake? Sorry to disappoint you, but I don't really celebrate my birthdays. Call me kuripot, but I prefer my birthdays to be just like any other day. In fact, many of my birthdays have come and gone without people even noticing. I don't know why, but maybe I just have this secret desire of knowing who remembers and who didn't. See, that makes a birthday greeting more sincere! Another thing, I don't wanna get all the attention for the day kasi medyo nahihiya ako (oo, inaamin ko, ikinahihiya ko ang bertdey ko!).

This year, I almost forgot that I am about to turn 23 hadn't it been for my parents who sang the birthday song to me when I answered their long distance call from Spain. My dad was giving me extra money to spend on my birthday, but I told him I'll just add it to my sister's scolio therapy fund. Imadyin dat!!!! Naniniwala kasi ako na it's better to give than to recieve especially on your birthday. Tsk! tsk! Sana di ko bertdey nung sinabi nya yun! Hehehe...

Next advanced b-day hug came from Ate Peach as evidenced by my tagboard. This time, it's from Australia.

I can't get it really! The first ones to remember are those from far, far away!

OK, so still safe dahil maiintindihan nila kung walang blowout. Panis na kasi yun pagdating dun tsaka ayaw tanggapin ng LBC.

Jeddahlyn greeted me the next day while I was taking my sister for a therapy check-up. That was advanced b-day greeting number three. Mick's advanced birthday greeting did not count. It was given. He's my hubby and our birthdays are like each other's natal days.

As fate would have it, I was assigned to the delivery room taking the graveyard shift, meaning I would spend the onset of my birthday assisting in, well, giving births! Mick called while I was still aboard the FX to greet me a happy birthday, so we spent a few minutes talking before I changed in my scrubs. I told him I don't feel like celebrating since he was not here. He told me to wait for a few more months, then we could have a super late birthday celebration.

At the hospital, I took a quick trip to the picky vendo machine for a much needed cup of cafe au lait. Upon returning to the dressing room my groupmates asked me what time is it. "12 na", I told them thinking of nothing but how to prevent the freakin' coffee from scalding my tongue. Suddenly, they started singing the birthday song - FOR ME!!! They also gave me the best tasting brownie/cake/whatever! All of a sudden, I now felt why some people want to celebrate their birthdays. I was like an artista on a noontime variety show na sinu-surprise pag birthday nila (na minsan pa nga may mag-aapear na surprise guest kuno na sasabayan silang kumanta, e pre-recorded naman ung mga boses nila. Pero syempre, para mas dramatic, kunwari gulat to the max sila!)

I did cry, really. First question was, how? My birthday was super-secret! It didn't matter na, I enjoyed the cake/brownie/whatever anyway. Turned out it was Lorielyn who discovered first. Since kuripot ako, my blowout was goto/beef mami/siopao at a certain mami house at 6:30 in the morning. Buti na lang sarado pa lahat ng fastfood!

The next day, kahit ngarag at windang, we still had to go straight to school for our pharma and patho class. We were zombies without a bath. Buti na lang, may baon akong underwear. I was ready to curse the day when, surprise! Mrs. Eduarte's class was cancelled for the day in celebration of my birthday!!!! Hehehehe... dream on! OA na yun! Actually, she understood that we've been awake for almost 24 hours so she decided to cancel the class for today only. Besides, she had to go back home for some forgotten documents, so there were other reasons.

Surprise, surprise! Almost everyone at school remembered my birthday! I was a celebrity! I was the queen! The world was my oyster. The day was full of "Hi Haze! Happy birthday!!!" Hihihihi.... sana tuloy yung classes so I could savor the feeling for the rest of the day.

The need for sleep made me go home instead of staying to enjoy the moment. Buti na lang inaantok na ako. I went home at 11 missing my brother's birthday greeting call from Spain by a few minutes. My bundle of joy also greeteed me with a big, wet kiss, and, whaddayaknow! so did my sisters.

Mick called again via satellite at 3 in the afternoon. He was giving out a mini party in celebration of me. I cried and cried but suddenly stopped when I realized that he gave the phone to his boss to greet me. What about that? I was pouring my pre-mid life crisis woes to my hunny's boss!

The day is not yet over, and there are still a few more calls I am recieving. I feel so special with extra cheese on top. Now I begin to marvel at the knowledge that people still love me. Thanks for remembering. I now am 23... OFFICIALLY.